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 What's Wrong With What I Want?
"I feel like I'm in Alice's Wonderland," he thinks while stirring his tea. He is not seeing the Queen of Hearts or the White Rabbit talking. He isn't that crazy yet, though everything around him is weird. Is it all moving too fast, or he just too slow? It feels to him as though he must run two times faster just to stay in the same place, like the Red Queen mentioned. Being tired does not matter. The problem is that he has no idea about the direction he should go.
He remembers the classic question asked in primary school about what he wanted to be in the future. His answer made everyone laugh. He said without hesitation that he wanted to be a truck driver. Of course, the sample set of correct answers were doctor, lawyer, teacher, pilot or soldier. Being a truck driver was not even an option.
"The kind of person I will be was already decided before I was born," he said to himself, while looking at the religion section on his ID card. The profession he should choose must be a respectable one to others. "My self-respect is less important than the respect of others," he thought. He can't really blame anyone for this. His family just wants him to get a good education and job. That is what he wants too, of course, so he doesn't protest, though he feels as if he is an "undefined depression object."
That lady who gave the personal development seminar the day before asked him to imagine a moment when he felt successful. Neither his perfect grades in big exams nor the medals he won at tournaments mean anything to him now. He thought about rising up and asking, "What if we don't have one of those moments?" but he is not that kind of person.
He is extremely bored of meeting deadlines, having to answers absurd questions under pressure, or having to cooperate with someone he doesn't really like.
"Too much thinking will make me sick," he whispered while ordering another tea.
Özlem Erdem (IE/IV)
oerdem@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
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