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 Erase and Rewind
I know that it is not so logical to write about getting old given my relatively youthful age, but I have been feeling this "strange" thing for a couple of months. I feel rather melancholy about getting "old." This has nothing to do with the clichés about the obligations of working instead of studying, or living life depending on multitasking rules. I have already encountered those as a Bilkenter. This one is more like a "nothing's gonna be the same again" syndrome. This feeling has been influenced by the fact that I am a senior, I guess. After a year, I will not have the freedom to cut a lecture for the sake of sleeping one more hour, or of drinking a cup of coffee with my buddies. My decisions will no longer affect only me. I find this really irritating because I see me being trapped. I might have the right to choose which way I will go inside the cage, but at the end of the day, I'll still be in the cage. The irrational, or ironic, thing here is that I will be voluntarily trapped. In fact, I will be applying to be placed in that cage - a bigger dilemma than the chicken-egg matter!
As a result, I've been thinking a lot about living life in reverse, an idea put forth by Can Yücel in one of his poems. I can't imagine how wonderful it would be if all the tough times were behind me by my thirtieth birthday. I'd be retired, my social securities would all be paid and I would still be young, and ready to do whatever I wanted with my life. I wouldn't have to cope with statements like "I can't do that at my age," because I would be young enough to do it. I also wouldn't have to bother to prove myself by both parenting and having a good career. This part could ruin one famous napkin brand's popular advertisements, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
Using this reverse logic, I am somehow trying to figure out what my future will be like by looking at my past. I realize that I really miss the old days and would like to spend the rest of my life living like that, but this is just being nostalgic rather than pessimistic. Even when I watch "Alf" on the internet, many thanks to diziport.com, I think that no other sitcom can entertain me as much as it can. I remember how amusing Sunday mornings were, having breakfast while watching "Alf" with my family. And, this is just a drop in the ocean! Even thinking about my seven wonderful years of high school is enough to make me smile.
I do not claim that my current situation is worse. I am at my desired university, with great people, in a great environment. I even miss the campus when I am away for a while. But I think I just want to live as simply as possible. Unfortunately, this is becoming increasingly challenging. Maybe this is why I want to turn back to those days and appreciate how valuable it was to live so carefree. I know that reversing ones life is impossible, but at least stopping time by just pushing a button, and living the current year again and again, sort of like in the movie "Groundhog Day," sounds fascinating, doesn't it?
Özlem Erdem (IE/IV)
oerdem@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
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