 How To: Conduct a Successful Break-Up
It's midway through December and folks are starting to plan their New Year's Eve fiestas. Are you looking for a new boo for the new you? Well, in order for some of you to hit the dating scene again, you're going to first have to lose the ball and chain. Over the years I've survived some very interesting relationships, as well as counseled my best friends (of both sexes!) through their love dilemmas. Here are my lucky-number-seven tried and proven tricks on how to break up with someone, finally written down for the benefit of all mankind:
1. DO NOT break up via Facebook, chat, text, email, or anything else moronic.
I feel like I shouldn't even have to say this, but it STILL happens. Not only does doing this make you seem cowardly, but also immature. We aren't in grade school anymore, people. Have enough respect for yourself and your ex to end things face-to-face. You especially don't want to end a relationship online or on the phone if you have mutual friends because it tends to get ugly. Messages, texts, and chat conversations can be forwarded within seconds. This means gossip will thrive, and you'll most likely be miserable.
2. DO break up in a public setting.
Trust me. It may seem like the proper thing to do is always to break up in private, but particularly if you expect an emotional outburst, break things off on a park bench or at a coffee shop. This will force both of you to maintain some semblance of normalcy. No crying, shouting, or throwing toasters. If you do it in private, not only are you asking for a more elaborate display of emotion, but private settings tend to give one person an advantage over the other. For example, if a break up happens in an individual's car, house, park, favorite study spot, etc., one person will feel more comfortable than the other.
3. DO NOT focus on the past.
I know it's hard because you two probably created a lot of memories during your time together. However, don't bring up the good times because they might convince you to stay in the relationship. And bringing up the bad times tends to lead to the placing of blame, which leads to arguments and bitterness. Just speak from the heart on the present situation. And please be kind. If you are initiating the break up, be empathetic and understanding. Smug smiles and gloating quite frankly are unacceptable.
4. DO have a clean break.
This is hard if you were friends before dating but after it's over, no more texts, random hang out sessions, or hook ups. They lead to off-on, "limboland" relationships which never end with a happily ever after. Break it off, give yourselves some buffer time, and hopefully in the future you can be friends! It is very possible to be friends with exes. It's just rare.
5. DO NOT rebound.
Just. Don't. Do. It. You will not only disadvantage yourself because you'll be emotionally readjusting and not ready for a new relationship BUT ALSO you'll hurt the person you jump to. As well as your ex . Everyone will be left with a bad taste in their mouths that rigorous teeth-brushing won't rid.
6. DO stay busy. And sober.
How many times have exes gotten back together under the influence of alcohol, or out of boredom (and/or desperation)?! Too many to count. Stay busy and sober. It minimizes the urges to do something stupid like bootycall an ex. The number of drinks you imbibe is directly correlated with the number of late night phone calls you make. If you choose to break up, have the dignity to stay broken up! Instead, spend time on friends, family, school, work, or volunteering… I promise you will feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
7. DO NOT lose faith in love.
There are almost 7 billion people out there. You might have to do something out of the box, maybe some traveling, extreme sports, or yoga lessons to find that special someone. But, one day you'll find someone who is worth your time, love, and energy. My personal motto is "never settle." By Okþan Alpdemir (IR/III)
alpdemir@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
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