 Lately, the article “Tête à Tête, Heart to Heart” has caught my interest. It's about the intricate relationship between mothers and daughters. Typically, the daughter in puberty grows distant from her mother, slipping out of the mother-daughter bond. In her book “The Elizabeth Stories,” Isabel Huggan questions the mother's stance in this situation. She also explores the bond between mother and daughter, exposing the various attempts by the child to sever that tie while the mother tries to keep it in tact. This article consists of the dialogues between Huggan and her Dutch reader, the literature critic. Here, the outstanding points are:
Perhaps, the main reason for conflict rises from unmatched expectations, like when a mother's interests don't correspond with those of her offspring and vice versa. In the story, brought up in a repressive and limiting society, Elizabeth becomes an ungainly and obstinate only child much to the despair of her parents. Her relationship with her mother is particularly fraught because she's so unlike the daughter her mother imagined.
From the view of the mother, the situation is very painful. She tries to be perfect, wholly nurturing and always placing the child's demands and needs in the centre. But all she gets in return are fits of rage and anguish. A mother, unloved by her daughter, cries out, “This isn't what I thought being a mother would be! I'm so disappointed! I've tried so hard to be a good mother, and all I get is you not loving me.”
The daughter complains about restrictions. At least once you must have heard phrases like, “it was not done,” “what will the neighbors say,” “your hair looks a mess, let's have it cut,” or “don't go out now.” Even without noticing, a loving mother can restrict her daughter by being too present in her life, constantly trying to protect her, by preventing her from making mistakes. The mother wants to maintain the closeness that existed when her daughter was younger, but they inevitably grow further apart. Claiming her own body at this point, Elizabeth asserts her independence from the mother. She seems to believe that, in order to be herself, she must break free from her parents, particularly her mother.
Is this always necessary to become an adult?
The daughter hopes to be different from her mother when she herself bears children. However, the result is much the same. She becomes her mother in many ways: “We have repeated all our parents' mistakes at the same time as we believed ourselves to be avoiding them. We never meant for our daughters to reject us, we thought we'd be different and yet, it seems as if there is a pre-ordained trajectory for those of us who wanted to be free of our mothers, who are the ones who swore it would not be like that for our daughters, and yet it is.”
Kaufman writes about the experience of motherhood in her poem “Mothers, Daughters”:
Through every night we hate,
preparing the next day's
war. She bangs the door
...We gnaw at each other's
skulls. Give me what's mine.
I'd haul her back, choking
myself in her, herself
in me.
..I hear her breathe
where I can't get in. If I
break through to her, she will
drive nails into my tongue.
Perhaps one thing mothers should remember is that the spirit only grows when it's allowed to make mistakes. Trying to empathize with the mother and learning not to repeat the same mistakes must be hard work. However, perhaps it may be accomplished. For both sides a little thinking on this relationship's difficulty before bursting of anger can help.
BY MÜGE TEKİN (IE/IV)
tekin_e@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
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