 Warning: Please hold the review until
afterwards if you haven't seen “Constantine" yet.
If I were a Christian, I would definitely go to the church and do the following:
Atilla: Father! I'm going to confess a sin.
Father: Tell me son! It's not about "Constantine," is it?
Atilla: Whoaa… What?
Father: Oh no! It is "Constantine," isn't it?
Atilla: Yeah! But how come you know about this?
Father: Oh, my poor son, you're not the only one!
What happens when a famous music video director sits on the director's chair to shoot his
first movie? Well, "Constantine" happens! Francis Lawrence is the director of
this film, which was a total disappointment.
I can still remember the way I suffered. For a moment, I thought Mammon (the son of the
devil) had taken my soul captive. Then our superhero John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) came
and rescued me! Yahooo! It was such a cliché.
The movie is a film adaptation of the comic book "Hellblazer." Briefly, we have
a silly demon-hunter who sends half-demons back to hell in order to go to heaven himself.
Since he's been in hell once, he doesn't want to go back! Waoow… Not good enough? Oh,
please, let's give this guy a little credit. Ok, just kidding. Although I haven't read the
comic book, the adaptation seems to be extremely weak. In fact, I'm pretty sure that
"Constantine" is a weak adaptation. Why? Well, the fact is that the movie is
terrible! No question! However, the idea behind it is interesting and even fantastic, and
could have formed the basis for a good movie if it had been adapted well. The film conveys
a mysterious sense that there is a shadow world beyond the world we know, where angels and
demons are influencing earthly life. Rather than focusing on this idea, the movie
undertakes a missionary role, and features the creepy performance of Reeves, who still
thinks he is acting in "The Matrix."
I've never seen anyone whose manner of acting is as indifferent as that of Reeves. He's
just like a slow-moving iceberg. I've seen many of his movies, and he's always the same.
He can't act! In fact, his actions in "Constantine" are similar to those in
"Matrix." Who would want to watch a movie in which someone says, "My name
is Constantine, John Constantine you (beep)."
Although the movie is a comic book adaptation, the image of hell is really funny.
According to the film, the way to portray hell is as Los Angeles, via two or more crashed
cars on the streets along with a dark orange background where skinny half bodies are
running around crazily.
As if this is not enough, the screenwriters sprinkle extremely stupid jokes throughout the
film. For instance, giving Satan the finger, or thinking about the price of a shirt when
you get shot. In addition, why do those extraordinary creatures have ridiculous security
peepholes like the one in the mirror scene at the beginning of the movie? Comic book
stories are supposed to be extraordinary and fantastic, not stupid. Other than all the
otherworldly characters like the angel Gabriel (nice wings, by the way--I'm kidding),
Satan and the demons, nothing seems to be fantastic. Trust me, from the beginning to the
end you know what's going to happen next. For instance, at the beginning, the scene in
which a car hits a man is extremely lousy. These guys are out in the middle of nowhere,
and suddenly a car appears, traveling at high speed, and bam! Surprised? Yeaah surprised,
all right, I thought he was going to disappear into the desert :-P. All in all,
"Constantine" is a weak movie that could only work as a comedy. What a pity that
it belongs to no particular type of genre.
Instead, it has a little bit of everything. Therefore, it has a significant problem in
focusing on a core concept. If you still want to see it, go ahead. Have fun and keep out
of trouble! Otherwise Constantine will get you :-)
Rating: (2 out of 5)
Atilla Karakurum (IE/IV)
atilla_karakurum@yahoo.com
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