Leaving Neverland
Hello--first of all, thanks for all the
positive and negative comments you've sent about this column, especially the negative
ones. When I wrote here that I was asking you to send me your ideas via email, I wasn't
sure that people would take me seriously enough to tell me that they didn't agree with my
opinions--but they did! I'm not trying to be ironic or anything. It's so hard to learn
people's real thoughts about what you do, how you look or how you act when they don't
really like it. Most of the time people try to "make you happy" by telling you
the things you want to hear. So you have to ask them again and again, "Do you like
it? No, I mean it, do you really like it?"
In our daily lives, we all take part in this dialogue on one side or the other. Sometimes
we can't understand whether or not people really like the way we are, and sometimes we're
the one who is afraid to express his/her real thoughts. I have to admit that it's hard to
tell someone you see every day that his/her hair is funny-looking, or his/her ideas don't
make sense. But this difficulty isn't about something "friendly." Although the
majority call this game of mutual deception "politeness," no matter what you
call it, it's actually full of fear, the "fear of being loved less." You don't
want to risk your "friendship" by letting your "friend" know how
he/she really looks or acts. The classical excuse is that "it will make him/her feel
bad to know that." Come on… be honest with yourself! What kind of excuse is this?
Won't he/she feel bad sooner or later if there's something wrong? If you're asked for your
ideas, why don't you help that person by sharing those ideas?
I might sound like I'm blaming those who are so overprotective of their friendships that
they can't even tell the truth: in fact, I am! But they're not the only people who are
responsible for this situation. Most of the time, even though we seem to be asking what
others think about us, the reality is that we're looking for acceptance. Everyone,
including me, uses this method in hopes of hearing nice things from others. Thus, hearing
criticisms upsets us; it pulls us out of the imaginary world we live in and throws us into
the "Desert of the Real." But does it makes sense to go on living in Neverland,
and expecting that you'll never face the truth? It might be better to enjoy criticisms
than to dream all day. Just give it a try.
İsmail O. Postalcıoğlu (POLS/II)
orhan@ug.bcc.bilkent.edu.tr
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