 What have I missed?
The past tense is fighting with the present tense.
Over the last few months, I have had a chance to focus on Eastern philosophies; my journey
with the books of Osho has helped me rid my mind of my obsessions. I realized that I could
not even focus on why I was laughing or crying. That was a huge challenge for me: I became
a calmer person and stopped always trying to adapt to the future. In a way I have become a
person in the "present tense." Being a person in the past tense made me a future
focused, planned and hasty person.
There is a past tense in most of us, as this is what the system teaches us. Think about
your own life. Is it filled with moments you enjoyed when you were really present,
enjoying those moments and not worrying about what had just happened or what might happen
next? For me, my past tense self has already caused me many losses and regrets. My past
tense, "future programmed" self could always find something to do with herself.
When I tied my shoes, at the same time, I was talking on the phone and taking notes. Where
was I, actually? Was I on the phone, talking, writing a note, or tying my shoes? My many
divided personalities were not happy to live in one body.
My past tense self accused the rain when I was late. The rain was always a disaster in a
city. The rain was a personal attack from the sky, causing agitation and leaving us
drenched. Years ago, this was not the case. The rain was something exciting, something to
enjoy. My present tense self is ready to taste the rain again. My past tense self did not
enjoy chocolate unless I could calculate the calories. My present tense self just wants to
smile and let the sweetness melt away in my mouth without thinking of calories. The
present tense self knows that each person and each room has a distinct smell if you are
ready to discover it. My past tense self missed listening to people and paying attention
to the words and deeper meanings, seeming only to be waiting for my turn to speak. My
present tense loves eyes and the different colors that each pair comes in. No ones' eyes
look like any one else's. My past tense self thought that everyone had the same brown
eyes, but the present tense self notices that some people have green or blue eyes. Now,
there are not only colors I see, there are shapes that are dancing in those eyes. Human
contact was a waste of time for my past tense self. My present tense self hugs people
tightly thinking that it may be the last time I see them.
My past tense self thought that the world was so small when talking about globalization,
but too big when it was time to discover. There are always so many things to do and so
little time to do them in. When I was 18, I was in a different city, with different people
and different events on another page of my life, knowing that I had a home, a family and
friends. I always had plans for my future, running from one page to another forgetting
what the moment presents us with, the joy of simple things that are hidden in a day. When
the wind blew and rifled the many pages I charged through, I saw that I had missed many
things. Now my present tense is accusing my past tense of not visiting my grandparents
during Bayram, knowing now that it would be the last time we would have spent
together…before it was too late.
John Lennon has it right "Life is what happens while you are busy making other
plans."
Gülay Acar (COMD/IV)
howtoreachgulay@yahoo.com
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