 NEVER EASY
I know you may be sick and tired of hearing people's opinions on love, because this is the
week of lovers. But perhaps this time you will find something different…
When I was a child I always envied my parents because they were, and still are, in love.
But as I grew up I noticed that their love is impossible for me to reach, because it is
shared between them. We usually expect to experience the love seen in idealized models:
movies, books or parents, but then we realize that these models are not meant for us
because we are different from those people. Then, we try to find our own way to love. In
movies people are usually created with their perfect match, they find each other and get
married, then have children and live happily ever after. But in real life, there is no
perfect match, each of us has his or her own faults, which are usually irritating for our
partner, and marrying is never that easy. Also in movies or in our parents love, we envy
love that has grown out of hard work and time, which has aged and become calm. We want to
skip the difficult parts and hard work that lead to serene love.
So what is love for me?
I have realized that as years pass by, that loving another person, opening your heart and
trying to share your dreams becomes more difficult. As we mature our responsibilities
change, our own selves form our dreams, and suddenly a person comes into your life and now
you have to unite your dreams with his dreams. You try to adapt your logic to your
partners - which seems to be the more difficult part for me. And then you notice that you
are at the entrance of a dead end. You start to spend your energy reversing this cycle
trying to return to the starting point where you share smiles and kisses instead of tears.
I think that a relationship ends when expectations are lowered and hope is lost. The end
begins when problems are left unsolved. These problems may have always been in a
relationship but are never a concern, because people just expect that their partner will
understand the reasoning behind it. Eventually, they stop hoping for a solution or
understanding and begin accepting results that are lowering the expectation level. And
then they realize that they are in an unhappy relationship where there is no hope left and
where they will never be able to come back to the starting point full of love. People
always say that if two people love each other it is enough, but it is never that easy.
Yes, love is really a starting point in a relationship, but love needs to be fed with
hope. Without hope, love can only last for a few years. And then you end up with a broken
heart. But still, if you end with a broken heart, this means that you are a human with
feelings, which is a good sign.
In the movie Along Came Polly we see a man who lives his life without taking any risks.
Then he meets Polly who lives her life without planning. After a while the man tries to
make the relationship conform to his model, but then he realizes that he has to be
flexible to be happy. And after this moment of epiphany they are able to compromise and
live happily. We are prejudice towards life and we do not want to change but sometimes
changing is better, it relaxes people and their love.
Even though I do not want to attach all of my hope to an idealized love, for my own sake
it is good to believe a perfect love exists in which you can really share your feelings,
fears, and love with another person like in fairy tales. I want to believe that the prince
will turn up and realize his princess is upset and do everything to make her happy. I want
to believe that there is a love which is going to last forever like in the movies. And
that everyone will end up envying that love.
Maybe you will think that this is too pessimistic for Valentine's week but I prefer to
call it being realistic. Because it is just being real, it's just what I am feeling about
love. I hope you all will have an excellent Valentine's Day with your Valentine, and those
who don't have a love don't worry, one day it will find you and then you will hope that it
never ends.
See you all soon again in this column…
Sýla Türkü
Kural (EE/III)
turku@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
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