Volume 16, Number 21
March 16, 2010

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Cüneyt YżlmazNothing Else Letters

Dear Metallica,
Before I begin, let me introduce myself. My name is Cüneyt, and I know it's not the world's best name but in Turkey, you don't get to choose your name, instead your name gets to choose you. So, you have to learn to live with it. I'm an economics student here at Bilkent University, trying to be as successful as possible, so far by doing nothing. But, anyways. 

I didn't meet you guys until high school. Before that, I was somehow content with Turkish pop music. In high school, I had a classmate, just as any other students on Earth, who loved wearing black T-shirts with pictures on them, pictures that most parents would make students swear like a trooper. And when it came time to strike up a friendship, that guy was no best choice at all, which he was okay with because all he cared about was girls. Therefore I hadn't really had the chance to have a closer look at you guys. And thanks to him, I was even prejudiced towards you.

The reason why I'm writing this letter is that I'll have to ask you to do me a favor, well not to me actually, but to the human race. First let me tell you what happened and why I decided to ask for this. My relationship with my 10 year old brother works like this: He saves as much money as he can and then I borrow that money and never give it back to him. However, a little while ago guilt for being so selfish caught up with me, so I decided to do something for him for once. As a result I asked him if he would like to play an instrument. He told me that he wanted to play a piano, something that I couldn't afford with the money he had lent me during all those years. And to tell you the truth, a guitar came to mind. I thought that would color a kid's life a little bit and help him channel his creativity into something more useful than Pokémon. I didn't see any harm in it, until I met Youtube. 

If you guys had any chance to read my column before, you would have noticed that I wrote that my parents used to think that I was the smartest kid in the country. That's why they thought there was nothing I could learn from the internet. Therefore, my exposure to Youtube can be traced back to not long ago, which is, yesterday. And as I've spent my entire day on Youtube, instead of studying for an econometrics midterm, I've noticed that my parents were right, I got nothing more to learn. I've also realized something else, that is, Youtube videos can be put into two categories: "Best Ever Laughing Baby"s and "Me Singing Nothing Else Matters"s. For the former, I'm still working on a column, and for the latter, I can say that is what led me to write this letter. Guys (James, Lars, Kirk and Robert), this song is gaining control over my generation, and you have to stop it. 

I'm not one of those guys who live on quotes, but apparently the rest of my generation does. And, for quoters, this song is like China for the world economy. Seriously, look at these lines: "So close, no matter how far/Couldn't be much more from the heart." (Probably they met in high school, then she went abroad for university, but he wasn't that smart so he works for a fast-food restaurant now, and these lines help their relationship work) or "Never cared for what they do/Never cared for what they know" (Her brother doesn't want her to go out with that guy, and she says "ok," but never does that, and this is what she texted to him). This is how this song is abused by so many couples all over the world. And guess what I have found out? James wrote that song while he was on the phone with his girlfriend. Is anyone surprised? Nope. 

According to some very seriously calculated statistics, right now as I write this column, every 3 guys out of 5 are either singing or playing Nothing Else Matters to their girlfriends on the phone. And that's no good, not for the music industry, neither for the science world, nor for the econometrics midterms. Therefore, I'll have to kindly ask you guys to remove that song from the market. Or I will have to find on my own solution to the problem, which may lead to removing Metallica from music industry. I know what Neanderthals guys become when they play Nothing Else Matters on the guitar, and I don't want my brother to be one of them. 

With much love,


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