BY MELEK CANSU PETEK (ELIT/III)
petek@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
As clichéd as this may sound, I cannot believe that half of the semester is already over, which means there are less than eight weeks till graduation! The idea of graduating that soon is somehow both joyous and dreadful
at the same time. I’ve been waiting for this moment for such a long time that it’s hard to wrap my head around the possibility that I’m almost there. Then again, the question arises: Almost where?
As of now, I honestly have no idea what I’ll be doing after graduation. This whole concept of unknown-future-approaching-fast is disconcerting, to put it mildly, since I’ve applied to only one graduate program, and they may announce the admission decisions any time now. This may not be the most strategic move I’ve ever made, but I’m strangely calm about it, doing nothing much in regard to the matter except checking my inbox every so often to see if I’ve gotten that dreaded e-mail saying, “Your application decision is now available online.”
Now, why did I make such a “terrible mistake” and not apply to a billion other schools? After all, won’t it be a big waste of time if I don’t get in and have to wait for another year? Well, the only way to answer these questions is straightforwardly: I did it because that was what I wanted to do. I know this sounds obnoxious and overconfident, but frankly, though I can be obnoxious from time to time, I’ve never ever been self-confident, let alone overconfident. Of course, coming to an answer as such wasn’t very easy, and one of the main reasons behind that was my previous “loss of time.” As some of you may remember from my earlier columns, English literature wasn’t the department I started with. I was a molecular biology major before, for about three years, and though I don’t regard it as a mistake, it certainly wasn’t the future I was cut out for. But even after realizing that, my biggest concern while I was thinking of switching majors was the loss of time. Starting over as an undergraduate when all my friends were starting their graduate careers sounded terrifying. The fear of losing time was so great that I was almost willing to follow a career path I wasn’t particularly excited about. Doesn’t that sound so bizarre? Yet, if you think about it, that’s what most of us do. But do not dismay! The good news about all this mess is that once you break free from these misconceptions, it becomes easier to take risks.
Once I took that risk and saw that it was worth the time I “lost,” I started to feel freer to make bolder decisions. It is that freedom that helped me take the risk of applying to only one program, because I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t be going to graduate school simply to get a degree, to have a title attached to my name. After all, what is the point of investing two years of my life in learning things I don’t care much about? You might think it’s naïve of me to be so idealistic, but I like putting my heart and soul into the way I live, and taking such risks is the outcome of being passionate about life.
I’m fully aware that not everyone gets to work at their dream job or attend the school of their dreams right after graduation. And you know what? That’s fine. What matters most is having a dream and working toward it by taking deliberate steps. It’s all right to make a detour here and there, as long as you keep your eyes on the goal. The danger is that we settle down too easily. It feels much more comfortable to give up and choose the safe path of leading a mediocre life, and even to say, “Someone else might do it, but not me.”
I know I have quoted these words before, but whenever I start walking into that trap of indifference, I remind myself of what Sir Francis Drake wrote: “Disturb us, O Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, when we arrive safely because we sailed too close to the shore.” That is what I wish for all of us, dear friends: that our sails may ever be led by our dreams, that we may never sail too close to the shore!
P.S.: While I was working on this column, I got the decision from the program I applied to. It turns out that I’m wait-listed, which means I still don’t know where I’m headed next year, but I stand by the words I wrote above, regardless of the outcome.