BY BERİRE GÜNDÜZ CS/III)
berire.gunduz@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
Writing a CV and going to job interviews are the biggest hurdles faced by ordinary people who are searching for work. Candidates for employment must tell employers all about themselves in just a couple of sentences and some numbers. To stand out from the other candidates, you must be creative, especially when it comes to the “What are your hobbies?” question. Because, by giving the right answer, you can easily charm your potential employer and even make him/her respect you.
- Swimming with sharks
If you want to impress an employer who is looking for calm, persuasive employees, the best way is to say that you swim with sharks on the weekends. As shark cages are small replicas of the private sector, you will be considered an experienced candidate. To gain more points, say that you were once attacked by a shark and survived by persuading it to approach prey diplomatically rather than aggressively. Add that the shark is now a very good politician.
- Riding the bus or the dolmuş in Turkey
Considering the latest events that have occurred, just saying that you live in Turkey not because you have to, but because you like to live dangerously, is enough to make your future employer respect you. But it is also quite enough to say that you take EGO buses or the dolmuş as a hobby just to become prepared to meet any unexpected occurrence. As many people who use public transportation in Turkey are given a very rigorous test during their journeys by having to breathe despite the crushing pressure caused by a crowd, by having to keep their sanity while being constantly touched by strangers and, most importantly, by having to deal with crazy people, which sometimes means the driver, it is certain that you will be the number one candidate for a job that involves working under highly stressful conditions.
- Coming up with inventions that will affect all of humanity
Employers often want to believe that all kinds of geniuses like Albert Einstein and Nicola Tesla are lining up just to work as interns at their companies. Don’t destroy their sweet dreams—just pretend that you are the next genius who will combine all the physics formulas into one and solve the mysteries of existence. Say that “as a hobby” you write down all your ideas for inventions, and add that you now have a series of notebooks that look like the Encyclopædia Britannica. I know it’s not good to tell a lie like this, but consider it as payback in advance for the lies you’ll get in the job offer, like “You’ll receive health insurance without any payments being taken out of your salary.”
- Dominating the earth
If you want to play big or if you want to get a promotion, you should have a villainous hobby like dominating the earth or conquering humanity in your free time. As this hobby shows that you know 
how to deal with people and are able to enslave humanity, chances are that you’ll be promoted to head of your office. Because, as we all know, the best position in any office always belongs to a psychopath who can make anyone do whatever he/she wants by making them feel quite useless.
- Writing best-selling personal development books
The best way to show that you have the exact characteristics desired by your potential future employer is to say that you are one of the authors of the books he/she makes his/her employees read. That way, you might also get out of having to go to boring personal development seminars, classes, etc. Because, you are now the king of this kind of gibberish.
- Bringing balance to the force
Basically, to get a dream job, you must be the “chosen one.” You should be the one who brought balance to the force, you should be the one who defeated Lord Voldemort, and you should be the one who possesses Excalibur, all at the same time. Otherwise you will be drowning in your own unhappiness, like many of the rest of us.
Note: If you have any better ideas about good hobbies, contact me via e-mail. Then I will find you, and I will kill you.