TOEFL: Tormenting of Enslaved Foreigners, Language-wise
BY CÜNEYT YILMAZ (ECON/IV)
cuneyt_y@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
"Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit the city." So starts the famous Kesha - or Ke$ha as she herself spells it - song, "Tik Tok." Having an amazing, all-round campus here at Bilkent - back off dislikers, this is what I think! - I have no intention of hitting the city soon, but what exactly does she mean by "feeling like P Diddy," I found myself wondering when I heard the song on the radio today. And, despite my everlasting crush on blondes, I actually didn't start writing this week's column for the sheer purpose of gibbering about Kesha. I was trying to draw your attention to my inglorious listening skills there. Hopefully, I did manage to do that.
See, I took TOEFL (Tormenting of Enslaved Foreigners, Language-wise) the other day as one of a number of acts that will hopefully get me into grad school at the end of this year. Now, being the acknowledged columnist that I am (though only amongst my inner circle), plus a recipient of an all-English undergraduate education, I find it kind of stupid redundant to try and prove my command of the lingo. I can imagine, however, some of my readers of the more cocky variety (to which category I also belong) going, "Well, Cüneyt, you've kept writing a biweekly column on various topics that I lack the slightest interest in for God knows how long. So don't you think that you should, at least, be able to prove your ability to communicate in English on a test rather than in a late night submission to Bilkent News from your cozy dorm room?" To them, I shall respond: No! Well, yeah. Maybe. Kind of. But not on an icy morning in a room filled with strangers who for some reason mistake the Speaking section of the test as Yelling.
The test took no less than four hours of what I referred to as "an otherwise joyful youth" in my last column. That is, however, only the time aspect of the problem. What about the torture I had to endure during the entire period? What was it with all those reading texts taken out of introductory biology textbooks, for example? I'm talking to you, dear ETS people, I need an explanation here!
Take the Reading section, for instance, which was a joy in and of itself. A diverse selection of topics ranging from forests in the Americas to agrarian societies and the like made sure that the examinees went mad from the very beginning. After that came the Listening section, where there existed an unfortunate college boy who, thanks to his overcautious parents, was stuck with 70 meal tickets to be spent in like 10 days or so. In his despair, he was talking to a woman about the problem and asking for a refund. As is always the case with officials, however, she declined his request and advised him to be more careful next year when buying a meal plan. I, on the other hand, had to stand listening to all that without letting my sympathy for the guy take over, so that I wasn't biased while answering the questions. Speaking of biasedness, there was also a lecture where a professor retaught the history of the Vikings, since she considered the way it's usually done far too biased. Well, excuse me, ETS people, but with the test swarming with boring texts like this, I don't see you as being on my side at all. Doesn't that make you feel a little bit, hmm, biased?
Fortunately, the Writing section made me feel more at home - if not at Busel. You had to pick a position in favor of working either from home or in an office and write an essay on it. As an offsite employee for Bilkent News, I believe I made a good case against the office advocates. The other writing task, during which my body experienced a serotonin drought, had to do with three hypotheses related to an occurrence of red-colored rain in India's Kerala state. Poor Indians (in this case not literally).
As for the Speaking section, a guy who was working part time in his college bookstore had hurt his back carrying books around and was therefore considering quitting his job. My mission was to give him advice on choosing between taking a job at a restaurant or leaving his physics study group, which would enable him to switch to another job in the bookstore. While this guy was so reluctant to leave his study group, a girl in another tape was complaining about the biology study group she was made to participate in. As you may have realized already, most of the test had to do with the personal problems of my American peers or with subjects I personally have problems with - i.e., biology.
All I'm trying to say here is that what my TOEFL result does is nothing more than state the obvious, which is that I rock in English. But why do I need to hear that at the expense of $185?
Coming Soon: Cüneyt Whines About His Statement of Purpose