At What Point did England Feel the Need to Invent Football?
BY CÜNEYT YILMAZ (ECON/III)
cuneyt_y@ug.bilkent.edu.tr
Probably when they realized that, unlike theirs, other economies were sucking, so they should find something to suck at too (Sorry, Capello).
Some of you may recall my column about talents beginning like this: "I really wonder sometimes what it is God takes into account when distributing talents among human beings, and if it is possible to dodge incompetence through a bribe. Because obviously it is something I'm lacking, and that's why I have ended up on Earth without any musical talents, except for the weird noises I make when I'm asleep - but I'd really appreciate it if you don't call it snoring." So that was my opinion about talents, which I seem to lack severely. Some of you may also recall my column about fitness, which goes like this: "I like the fact that Mother Nature has finally decided to put an end to all those problems she had with us, namely winter, and go plague people in the southern hemisphere. On the other hand, the bad news is that as the rest of the northern hemisphere enjoys the first days of spring, I have something else to worry about: my poor physique." And that shows how uptight I get when it comes to fitness. I'm telling you just in case you want to Google them. (Wow, I would definitely name my album "Just in Case" if I was Justin Timberlake. Get it? Because ... his name is … oh, never mind. But you know how I'm incapable when it comes to music. And if you don't, just go back to the first sentence of this paragraph. What kind of a reader would forget that already, though?)
And when you integrate fitness with talent you get: football.
To most of you, it may seem like football doesn't require any talent, maybe even IQ, but once you try it, you will realize it does.
For the most of my life, that is, until puberty finally decided to hit me when I was 15 years old, I've ignored football because I couldn't play it. But when puberty took over, this urge to act as stupid as possible kicked in. So off I took my confident self to the pitch for the first time after years. Yet, it turned out that nothing has changed since the last time I tried to play football. I'd pray to God (and to the guy playing next to me) that no one passed the ball to me, because I knew I was going to make a mistake that my teammates would mock. But apparently, my prayers weren't taken seriously by God or by the guy playing next to me, therefore was I always the clown in the dressing room. (And that's why I'm making fun of everyone now; I'm reaping my Karma. Who is laughing now?) So off I was to the stands once again.
I blame my father for my incompetence in football. He is not a footballer by birth and I get that, just a certain level of ability is enough, right? But he lacks the slightest amount of it. And, inherently, so do I. On the other hand, he is a huge Galatasaray fan, and hello - so am I. Or should I say I was, until a few weeks ago when the economist inside me punched me in the face and said: "Cüneyt, you've had enough pain that would last for the rest of your life. Time to kill it! Get it? Because … painkiller … Oh, never mind." (We share the same sense of humor.)
I have to admit it, the economist inside me is a plausible guy, because my utility function regarding the results Galatasaray gets very much looks like this:
Basically, what that utility function says is that: If Galatasaray scores more than the other team, that is sg > s o , I get K units of utility. If Galatasaray suddenly decides to score as much as the other team, that is
sg = s o, my utility is 0 units (unless the other team we are talking about here is Fenerbahçe, in which case forget about my utility whatsoever I will be more than happy). And similarly, if Galatasaray players are so busy with their own problems that all they can do is to score less than the other team, which is sg < s o, my utility becomes -K. And for normal people, that K is an acceptable number, like K= {1, 2, 3}, but I'm not normal people, so for me, K converges to infinity. And like that wasn't enough already, Galatasaray has suddenly decided to score as little as possible. See, that's the problem with economics. We economists assume that people are rational, while extreme examples like Galatasaray stand out there for us to see. Some of you may just cave and say, "Well Cüneyt, for one thing, Galatasaray isn't a person," then my answer would be: "Well you aren't an economist either, so back off!"
That's why I'm not a fan of Galatasaray anymore; neither do I see any point in loving football.
OK, I'm lying. I still am a Galatasaray fan, and I love football so much it hurts (of course when I try to play it). But we all tell lies, right? RIGHT?